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Leap of Faith II | Lightwaves
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Leap of Faith II

March 31, 2010 by Faith
1,475 views

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Faith Stuart, in part II of her series, shares her potent story of a mother’s journey of the ultimate ‘letting go’ and how Swami Radha’s teachings were her anchor through it all.

*                           *                      *

Journal entry: Fri. April 11th, 1997 “The past week I have been having dreams about Patti, my daughter. In my early morning practice at Beach Prayer Room my mind often wanders to her in worry and concern. Last night I called home and was told that she has started drinking again.   She had been doing so well this past year. “

Patti had problems and victories for many years with anorexia, bulimia, and substance abuse. It was a long difficult journey for our family and especially for her. My personal mantra evolved over the years from, “Please Divine Mother help me to help her” to: “Please Divine Mother help me to allow Patti her God given right to her process and help me get on with mine”. It was a long journey of courage, love/hate, trust/doubt/ and times of mutual compassion, respect and deep concern.

This journey took so much surrender. There was nothing I could do but pray and keep her in the Light. Early in this 1997 YDC (Yoga Development Course), I was afraid to place Patti in the Light as I knew it was important to see whoever I placed in the Light in their most positive form and not identify with anything but the positive. When I mentioned this to Swami Radhananda she’d suggested I put Patti’s ‘process’ in the Light. This felt more like an offering, a surrendering of my will, leaving it to the Divine. It is the Light that heals, not my desire or actions to fix or help. I wanted to support Patti as best I could but also support my acceptance of the outcome. Patti was such a gift for me; she taught me about surrender, trusting something higher than myself.  If only she had been such a gift to herself!

Journal entry: Mon. April 21, 1997 “Chuck, (my husband) has arrived to take me back to Calgary. The YDC (Yoga Development Course) and the Hatha Yoga Teacher training are over and I feel sadness and at the same time anticipation of what is to come. The past three and a half months has been an amazing experience and I have gathered my tools and my learning together with a vow to protect and use them all to the best of my ability – to offer back with gratitude for all I have been given.

In this morning’s early Light I walked on the pebbled beach to get here to the Temple and chant. The morning is spectacular the sunlight dancing off the ripples on the lake and now inside the Temple I am wrapped and surrounded, Light within and all around.  Om Om,  Hari Om

Faith tending the flowers, Yasodhara Ashram

In the Vibration of the Mantra
In the Stillness of the Pause
The Sadness Recedes
Joy Returns
As I breathe in God
As I Breath out,
To you, my Creator
And the Wondrous Plan,

I surrender
In the Light”

Eight hours later I arrived back in Calgary to a phone message from the Calgary City Police. They’d tried to call me at the Ashram however Chuck and I had left. I remember fear gripping me like a vice. However I also remembered what had happened in the three months of immersion in Light, Mantra, reflection, pain/joy, and leaps of faith.  I remember thinking “if this call is about Patti, I am stronger than I have ever been”. Before I called I did the Divine Light Invocation.

Patti had been found that morning, in her apartment, alone and dead.

The pain was unbearable and I cannot describe it. The busyness involved at that time with funeral arrangements, clearing out etc. was a temporary distraction. The prayer room at Calgary Radha Yoga Centre was a sacred healing shelter and I would go and chant each day.Within a month of returning home from YDC, the teachers at Radha Yoga Centre encouraged me to lead a Satsang and begin to co-teach a weekly Hatha yoga class. I immersed myself in my practices and especially The Divine Light Invocation. This has become my salvation along with the support of my family, my spiritual community and my friends.

Haley's Comet

One of many uplifting memories of the three months at the 1997 YDC is, together with my classmates, we would step from the light of the Temple and evening Satsang into the extraordinary view of Haley’s Comet. The comet lit up the night darkness, its tail trailing across the star studded sky creating a path of light on the ground below, leading all of us back home to our rooms. Departing we would wish one another “sweet dreams, see you in the morning”.  For now the comet has passed out of earth’s realm and so each night it is in the soft feminine light of the moon in all her phases that I’m reminded to wish myself sweet dreams. Patti regularly visits me in my dreams, cellular feminine connection that brings the gift of expanded acceptance, surrender and trust, In the Light of my present understanding.

Hari Om,

Faith


4 Comments »

  1. thank you Faith for your beautiful story!
    As I take my own leap of faith, into motherhood and following my hearts desire, your story touched me deeply.

    Comment by Palma — March 31, 2010 @ 11:43 am

  2. Dear Faith
    I feel a deep humility as I read your words and remember Patti as I got to know and care for her, through your reflections and your inspiring process in the 1997 YDC.
    Faith by name and Faith by nature, your courage and generosity are wonderful testimonies of the Light in Swami Radha’s legacy. I echo your own words Faith when I say-Thank you Divine Mother – for all these precious gifts of understanding and the people with whom we share our journeys
    Om Om

    Comment by carol cattell — April 1, 2010 @ 5:55 am

  3. Thank you for sharing you story. Your friendship is deeply valued and your honesty is inspiring!
    Om

    Sue Silverman

    Comment by sue — April 2, 2010 @ 8:33 pm

  4. Namaste Faith:

    Thank you for sharing so honestly your story of unimaginable pain and tremendous courage and faith. We met at the ashram in 2004 when I did the YDC and I was touched and deeply impressed by you – your commitment and dedication to Divine Mother through Sw. Radha’s teachings. You are an inspiration.

    Hari Om,
    Donna McLean

    Comment by donna mclean — April 15, 2010 @ 11:08 am

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